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Wednesday, November 17, 2004 

T.O. hooks up with white woman*, Monday Night Football fans freak-out

After watching the Philadelphia Eagles stomp the Dallas Cowboys 49 to 21, white fans of ABCSports' Monday Night Football went to sleep with their shotguns next to their beds. The weekly sports presentation created quite an uproar when it opened with a sexually suggestive sequence featuring Eagles star wide-reciever Terrell Owens, a Black man, and a white woman* from ABC's hit show Desperate Housewives.

Jimmy John Holloway, a resident of MoreCowsThanPeopleville, Some Red State, USA, feared for his family's safety. "I made my daughters put on their chastity belts before we tucked them into bed - you just cannot be too safe with all those Black wide receivers running around out there." His neighbor, Buck - who refused to share his last name for fear of "those men in the black helicopters" - echoed Jimmy John's concerns. "We white folk need to get serious about protecting our women. There was a time when a man could turn on the TV and not have to see some white-women-loving Black man engaging in miscegenation. This needs to be taken care of faster than that Nat King Cole Variety Hour. We all need to call our Christian President and demand a return to those God-fearing, good ole days."

Rush Limbaugh reminded everyone that this is what happens when you integrate sports. "I knew those Eagles nigras were dangerous - and overrated! This is what happens when we let our country elect Bill Clinton and that bitch Hillary twice! I mean, I'll give that Timberlake boy some leeway, Black women are oversexed seductresses and I'm sure he couldn't help himself, but this taking advantage of white women business cannot be tolerated!" Rush added that although he thinks there are far too many darkies on TV, he does love watching Condaskeeza's shapely legs. "I look forward to her confirmation hearing, and Prime Minister Sharon and I sincerly hope that she will go for the knee-length-skirt look and not use podiums at any future press-conferences!"

Officially the Eagles have apologized, but Philadelphia Councilman and former mayor Frank Rizzo warned that if the uppitiness continues he is willing to endorse the use of a fire bomb on Lincoln Financial Field.

*Finally, not to discount Nicollete Sheridan acting abilities, or reduce her to just another blonde, size zero Hollywood actress - I just don't see her as the main draw for Desperate Housewives (like it is an accident that an actress whose character's house was burned down on like the second episode, which effectively removed her from the neighborhood where 90% of the show takes place, would be willing to do naked commercials for Monday Night Football)

Hey, d'you see the pic of Condoleeza and Bushy on Lacny's site? Cute...

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